I think at one time or another we have all been guilty of overthinking. I know I have set sail on the Sea of Overthinking many, many times.
We try to process what a situation, turn of a phrase, or action from another means, and what the intention of another was toward us. Our minds spin with “What did this mean,” or “Why did they say that?”
When I was younger I spent so much of my energy trying to figure out why someone behaved this way or that way toward me. I built up expectations and scenarios in my head that were so far from the truth. I would have whole conversations in my head with people, what I would say if I could, and how they would react. I had everything mapped out in my brain for what I thought it should be. In reality, the conversations never went as I expected. In most cases, it went far better than I ever expected.
It took me years to learn that the energy I was using to overthink things was misguided. Twenty-six years in a relationship with a chronic overthinker taught me so many life lessons. I like to think it made us better people by learning the lessons together. We had both been in a sea of overthought expectations for a long time before we met. We were stuck by how other people had hurt and failed us in one way or another. We both struggled with past trauma. Some hurt was of our own making, some not, and all had anchored in our souls and prevented us from moving forward.
Looking at the course of my life, with all its twists and turns, I am always amazed and grateful that I am here. I believe that God places people in your life for a reason and a season. Not all are meant to be there for life, but the lessons they leave with you during that season are invaluable. It is up to you to be grateful for the lesson or let it eat away at your peace. I choose to be grateful for every lesson life has sent my way.
So for a season, I was sent a man who was as broken as I was, and we helped each other heal. Together, we learned that communication is what guides the boat to the safety of the shore and forgiveness is what pulls up the anchors and sets you free to move forward.
Neither of us liked being unsure of ourselves or feeling insecure, overthinking was a form of fear we hated admitting. So, we struck a bargain (we actually struck up several bargains that first year, but that’s for another time). If we were unsure of what the other meant by something we would ask. It seems so simple but it was so life-changing.
We also agreed to check each other when we would notice the other was overthinking. There were times when I would hear, “Tell me what’s going on?” and I would cringe because I knew we were about to have a conversation I needed to have. I would say, “I’m fine, and he would tell me “Fine is one of the 7 circles of Hell.” “Fine” was never the right answer, so that’s where the conversation would start. You see, I’m a little hard-headed and sometimes I needed someone to just be straight with me, to pull me out of my own headspace.
By the same token, when he was overthinking, he would divert the question and talk about everything except what I had asked him. When that happened, I’d just say “OK, what’s up, let’s talk about it.” It wasn’t always an easy conversation, but it was always a conversation worth having. We learned that we were safe spaces for each other.
This is one of the best lessons, learning it was ok to ask questions. I learned asking questions shows someone you care and you want to better understand them.
I shouldn’t be amazed that God knows what He is doing, yet I always am. You see broken pieces can fit together in ways we never expect and when it happens it is a beautiful thing.
I often think of my life as a mosaic. Little pieces of brightly colored tile or glass, pieced together again and again after every break. Each break is different than the break before, but every time coming together to create a more detailed version than I was the season before. All life’s lessons lead you to where you are at this very moment.
I still overthink things, I’m still hard-headed, and I still need to hear from friends that I’m in my own head. When it happens I’ve learned to get quiet and listen to that still small voice. In the quiet, the chaos falls away. That still small voice deep inside is not one of chaos, it is one of calm and peace, it never berates me or makes me feel less than, it whispers “You are enough.” That voice reminds me to ask questions where and when they are needed for clarity and not operate from a place of doubt and fear. I have learned to welcome discerning questions from those close to me because it shows they want to know more about what’s going on with me.
The practice of asking for clarity doesn’t happen overnight and it can be difficult at times. I believe it is worth it, there is freedom that comes from not overthinking things. You learn to trade expectations for gratitude. What ifs change from a negative thought to a positive thought. The energy you once used spinning in your own mind is replaced by peace, you breathe easier, and you feel lighter.
My prayer for you tonight is that you feel peace.
Thanks for reading.
On a Roll with Charmin 