The preceding verse came up in our Sunday service and the pastor posed the question, “Is there such a thing as bad courage?” My immediate response was “YES!” My mind flashed back to a violent time in my life, a time when I thought I had more courage than sense.
I was 28, in an abusive relationship and rather than take it one more day, I stood up to my abuser and it almost ended me. He was drunk and stoned and the two together were always a bad combination, things got heated and I stood my ground and tried to dial 911, before I got the last 1 in he yanked the phone from the wall (back in those days phones were still attached to the wall) and wrapped the cord around my neck. I couldn’t breathe, but fought back, until I blacked out, he left me in a heap on the floor.
I don’t know how long I was out, but I came to as I heard a loud thump, thump, thump on the door at the front of the house. I tried to move but was paralyzed with fear. It was the police, and my abuser answered the door. He very politely told them there was no trouble here and that we had been having trouble with our phone. The police apologized for bothering him and left.
So when the pastor asked about bad courage, I thought the kind of courage that can get you beaten down or even killed. But as the thoughts played through my mind like an old video on a loop, I realized, in that space of desperation, when I knew I couldn’t count on him to change, the police to help or my own strength all I had was God. That moment was the catalyst for my transformation.
I remember calling out to God as the tears streamed down my face, asking for forgiveness for being a failure, for inciting the wrath of this man who was supposed to care about me, for not being strong enough, for not knowing better, for being a poor excuse for a human being when God whispered this verse to my soul, “And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the Lord do to all your enemies against whom ye fight.” Joshua 10:25
In a rumpled mess, lying in the floor, tearstained and broken, I knew the fight was not mine to win. It was God’s. And win He did. Later that night, my abuser passed out, and again God whispered, “Go now.”
I didn’t hesitate, I grabbed everything I could fit into my car while he slept. In the early morning hours, as soon as I was able, I consulted with a trusted advisor who had been working with me. He and his wife arranged a safe haven for me and gave me a place to go. In that moment, God answered my prayer. The times ahead weren’t easy, I had to be careful, watch my back, never go anywhere alone, stay in groups, contact an attorney, there were restraining orders, I had to change jobs and move again, all this took good courage, action, and faith, but I was out and I haven’t looked back.
For years I had nightmares, but eventually, God took care of those, too. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I had to forgive, not for my abuser, for me. I couldn’t allow him to rent space in my head and hurt me by reliving it, over and over again.
It was years later when this verse brought me out of my own darkness. “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.” 1 Corinthians 3:16-17.
My abuser defiled the Temple by not treating me with respect and loving me as God called him to do. Again, I saw it was God’s battle to fight, not mine, so I had to lay down my hurt and anger and forgive and let God be God, and deal with my abuser on His terms. How He did or will do that is not mine to question, I just know that He will.
When I forgave and let it go, my nightmares stopped. It took time for me to trust again, and honestly, sometimes I still struggle with trust. But I have faith. I have seen my faith in action. God took my mess and made a way, when I saw no way.
I know many women who lived through a hell similar to mine and some who didn’t make it out the other side of hell and that hurts my heart. My prayers go out to those who live in fear of the one who is suppose to love them. It is my hope that you, gentle reader, do not EVER put yourself in harm’s way. I was lucky that I had a trusted counselor I was working with who knew who to call to help me. If you are experiencing abuse you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website.
My life has changed greatly and I have been blessed for the past 22 years. God gave me a man who truly loves me the way God intended, he is my helpmate, my best friend and I can tell him anything, I can’t imagine my life without him.
So, back to the pastor’s question, “Is there bad courage?” I think there are bad decisions, but true courage, doing what has to be done even though it scares you can be good courage. I will close with the quote from Joyce Meyer below. Thank you for reading and blessings to you.